I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Bless you
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
broke down and did it
Current mood: Potato
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.