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Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.