Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
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At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing