this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
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termite twitter scares me
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
BRAKING NEWS!!
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other