“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
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me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
My dog ate my work from home.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.