Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
You Might Also Like
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
*ernest hemingway voice*
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.