I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
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Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.