Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
You Might Also Like
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?