I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
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My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook