Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
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Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!