I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
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I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!