JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
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WHAT SIGN IS SHE
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
WHO DID THIS?
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
o shit
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.