I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
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Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes