Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
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You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
(more comics:
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope