I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
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guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
*pronounces patio like ratio
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…