Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
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Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza