If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
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It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this