Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
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Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
She was REALLY feeling it.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Noah
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”