REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
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I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.