Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
You Might Also Like
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
consequences, the bane of my existence
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I just tested negative for patience.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.