Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
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My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU