Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
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Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM