I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
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Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.