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Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar