I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
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Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Me, reading some of your tweets