I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
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HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
My work here is don’t.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad