[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
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They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.