When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
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How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.