Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
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wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Not all heroes wear capes…
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.