Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
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My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
It’s actually Dr. whatever
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?