They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
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[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Monday
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise