One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
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Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
How funny!
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work