much to think about
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“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.