You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
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It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos