There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
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What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.