[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
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I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion