Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
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Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Never let them know your next move 😂
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!