“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.