medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
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[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.