50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
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Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
concern
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!