Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
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Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone