Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
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“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow