My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
You Might Also Like
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
After 35, your body ages in dog years
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.