Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
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My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I’d love this…lol
this is 10/10 content no notes
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.