i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
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Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
WHO DID THIS?
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.