I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
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rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.