me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
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My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.