If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
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i baked you a cake
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
can’t catch a break
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Just how popey was the pope today?
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!