40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
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me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
it be like that
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen