Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
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I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏